Hammer of the Gods (2009)    0 Stars

“Vikings vs Werewolves”


Hammer of the Gods (TVM) (2009)

Director: Todor ‘Toshko’ Chapkanov

Cast: Zachery Ty Bryan, Alexis Kendra, Mac Brandt

Synopsis: Thor along with his friends travel to a mysterious island seeking glory and fame.




OK, so you’re a filmmaker who’s been commissioned to make a blood-and-thunder saga of fiery Viking warriors waging a pitched battle against a pack of vicious werewolves as you undertake a quest to locate the fabled hammer of Thor. There’s only one drawback: your budget equates roughly to the amount a single mum from Tring would spend on her weekly food shop.

How would you overcome this problem? Alright, first we’ll skimp on the writing — it’s only swords and sandals after all; just throw in the usual cliches and the occasional ‘by Odin’s wrath.’ And forget about giving any depth to the characters, just insert the usual stereotypes: wise but slightly flawed leader, hesitant young hero who finds himself along the way, hot-headed villain who starts out as one of the good guys, little bit of blonde love interest, and one Mystic Meg type.

Secondly: we can film in the woods, and on sparsely decorated sets, at night. And we’ll hire a fog machine.

Thirdly: show as little of the action as possible. Where we can we’ll cut away to show the reactions on the faces of people nearby — or we can wobble the camera violently during fight scenes so the audience can’t make out what’s going on.

Fourthly: instead of expensive prosthetics for the werewolves, let’s buy a dozen Goofy masks and stick fur onto them.

Fifthly: cheap CGI; very cheap, bargain basement, last-century’s model CGI.

Sixthly: employ jobbing actors with poor acting skills because they will be willing to work for peanuts.