Muck (2015)

Director: Steve Wolsh

Cast: Lachlan Buchanan, Puja Mohindra, Bryce Draper

Synopsis: After narrowly escaping an ancient burial ground, a group of friends find themselves trapped between two evils, forcing them to fight, die, or go back the way they came.

You have to marvel at the misguided pretensions of Steve Wolsh, the guilty party responsible for this wretched mess. With no previous filmmaking experience, Wolsh has sought to emulate George Lucas by releasing Muck, the middle film of a proposed trilogy, before the other movies in the franchise. Back in 1977, Lucas, mindful of the audience’s late arrival, opened Star Wars with some scrolling expository text to fill us in on what had been going on, but Wolsh has no time for that. You want to know why? Because he didn’t make the film for you – he made it for Steve Wolsh. He made it so that he could meet beautiful women and make them naked, and to prove just how cool he is. Wolsh withano is cool, man! He know it; you don’t. So, who the fool?

The plot – if that’s what you can call it – sees five obligatory teens, none of whom look under 25, terrorised by what can only be described as a tribe of mute albinos dressed in loincloths. Having stumbled out of the swamps after the yet-to-be-seen first instalment, four of the teens hide out in a deserted holiday home while the fifth runs for help. Of course, those who stay behind are picked off one by one in the most unimaginative ways possible, while their hapless mate takes the time to have a quick wash in the bathroom of the saloon he finds and to buy a drink for a hot chick before finally getting around to phoning the police. Oh no, wait a minute: you don’t call the cops in a situation like that, do you? You phone your drunk cousin, who before finally riding to the rescue, holds a five-minute conversation with a hot chick and a bartender while his girlfriend tries on bras in the bathroom…

Such are the absurdities of Wolsh’s laughable plot. This guy has a vague idea of what looks cool, but is clueless when it comes to every other aspect of moviemaking – especially pacing. His Muck is a hopeless mess of a movie that will appeal only to thirteen-year-old boys who tremble at the thought of seeing a woman’s naked breasts. Its only value is as a lesson in how not to make a movie, and we can only hope that Wolsh’s plans to make at least two more movies come to nothing. Given the way that he appears to have mistreated those kickstarters who invested in this garbage, there’s hope yet that the other two movies in the franchise will never see the light of day.

(Reviewed 23/11/15)