Most Likely to Die (2016)

Director: Anthony DiBlasi

Cast: Chad Addison, Jake Busey, Tess Christiansen

Synopsis: A group of old school friends find themselves at the mercy of a killer when they gather for a 10-year reunion.

So, how’s this for an idea for a movie: a lovable, mild-mannered film reviewer is slowly turned insane by a constant diet of moronic, poorly-written horror movies and embarks on a killing spree of schlock movie directors, murdering then in inventive ways associated with the titles of their cinematic atrocities against moviegoers.   Neat idea?   Well, Anthony DiBlasi might not agree, given that the title of the movie which would qualify him for inclusion on the fictitious reviewer’s kill list is Most Likely to Die…

It’s the usual set-up.   A group of pretty young things congregate in a remote location where mobile phones are useless, and are picked off one by one by an unseen assailant.   This time, they’re a bunch of 20-somethings – and 36-year-old Perez Hilton – gathering for a pre-10 year school reunion party at the hillside lodge of one of their number, a recently axed ice hockey star who is mysteriously missing when they arrive, as is his perky blonde girlfriend whom we earlier saw being dragged into an outhouse on the grounds.   So, when the group arrives at the lodge, the only thing to greet them is a collection of graduation photographs hanging on the wall, beneath each of which is the ‘Most Likely’ epithet from their year book.   It seems like a cute idea at first – until they see that perky blonde girl’s photo has been defaced with a red ‘X.’   Even worse, the girl herself is later found in that outhouse, festooned in glowing fairy lights that illuminate the deep knife wounds to her throat.   Perky blonde girl’s epithet was ‘Most Likely to See Her Name in Lights,’ so clearly our killer has a keen sense of irony – something Laura Brennan’s tedious screenplay is sorely lacking: played straight, this kind of thing grows tired very quickly.

The potential victims lining up to be offed are the usual bunch.   They’re maybe not quite as unlikable as characters normally are in this kind of movie, but they are incredibly dull, and have this annoying tendency to indulge in deep and meaningfuls every time there’s a lull in proceedings (of which there are many), as if using the time to work through their long-gestating issues.   The masked killer dashes around the lodge in a blue graduation gown and razor-sharp mortar board, mutely slashing throats with abandon while the film tries to misdirect us as to the killer’s identity.    The trouble is, we don’t care who the killer is.   We just don’t care.

Although the bad dialogue, leaden pace, and stereotypical characters and situations would all make DiBlasi eligible to appear on the deadly film reviewer’s kill list, his biggest crime against humanity is undoubtedly the way that he deprives us all of the opportunity to see one of the planet’s most irritating men suffering a bizarre and painful death.   That’s an act of teasing cruelty that truly is beyond forgiveness.

(Reviewed 10th September 2016)